By Greg Vellante
Correspondent

I have no idea what the childhood of Dwayne Johnson was like, nor do I care, but just for fun, let’s imagine. I wonder if he ever got made fun of in school. Probably — I mean, doesn’t everybody at one point or another?

Well, imagine the surprise that must have struck all those who made fun of him when they turned on their televisions, opened up magazines, and looked up at billboards to see the looming face of The Rock staring back at them (raised eyebrow included). I imagine they must have felt pretty foolish for bullying a man who could now fight back and win with nothing more than his pinky finger.

Wait, does this introduction seem familiar? If so, it’s because I used the exact same opening, word for word, in my review of Dwayne Johnson’s train wreck “Race to Witch Mountain”. I claimed then and still believe now that Johnson’s recent string of kid flicks has definitely lessened his credibility as a tough guy. His latest offering, “Tooth Fairy,” only corroborates my previous statement: “Ladies and gentlemen, it is now officially acceptable to make fun of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.”

Now, one may ask, why use the exact same insult for “Tooth Fairy”? Why not come up with a whole new shtick in my trashing of Johnson’s latest catastrophe? Well, frankly, I don’t really feel like a movie this abysmal deserves it, and I just don’t feel like putting in the extra effort. Some bad movies are fun to write about… this one had me writing my own obituary in the theater.

Johnson plays Derek Thompson, an egotistical, meathead minor league hockey player known to fans as the Tooth Fairy because of his penchant for knocking out opposing players’ teeth. He’s managed to find a girlfriend strong enough to support his big head (Ashley Judd).

When Derek almost reveals to the youngest of her two children that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist, he is sentenced to serve as an actual Tooth Fairy in punishment for his “dissemination of dreams.” Julie Andrews and Billy Crystal have roles as well, but I’d rather not embarrass them any further.

It is at once amusing and pathetic watching The Rock sport a pink tutu and fairy wings, yet simply pathetic trying to watch him act. Although, in his defense, I don’t even think an actor with talent could make due with this weak excuse for a script.

I’d like to find the people responsible for giving this story the go-ahead and shake their hands; not out of respect, but rather to see if they possess anything remotely resembling a pulse.

I liked this film better in 1997 when it starred Kirstie Alley and was called “Toothless” (similar concept, different results). Then again, I was 7 years old when that film was released, and I haven’t seen it since. There’s no telling how I’d feel about it today, and I’m not eager to find out. The true question at hand is, if I were that age now, would I enjoy “Tooth Fairy”?

That’s a tough question. The kid inside of me is still alive and well, yet movies like “Tooth Fairy” fail to bring it out. Is this reasonable means to call it a failure as a kid’s film? Personally, I would say yes, yet the generous group of munchkins who joined in on the film’s screening would most likely beg to differ. They howled with delight at nearly every scene, even those not meant to be funny (hockey checks are apparently hilarious).

Sure, kids will dig it; I didn’t have that much taste at that age either. What makes “Tooth Fairy” a failure is its complete lack of permanence. There are key movies we watch as children that burn themselves into our memories and stay forever fresh in our minds. Then there are duds we watched for amusement and completely forgot about by our next birthday.

Seventy years later, even the elderly still remember seeing “The Wizard of Oz” when they were kids. Ask this generation about “Tooth Fairy” in five years, and it will be nothing but a fragment.