By Greg Vellante
Correspondent

I need to get something off of my chest: I made a mistake.

A year ago, I gave “Twilight” a very generous review. And now, as I look back on the movie I deemed a “thoroughly enjoyable modern-day romance between the most unorthodox of lovers,” I wonder: What was I thinking?

No, I wasn’t hesitant to criticize the poor acting, the vain cinematography, and the atrocious special effects, but I still gave “Twilight” a review deserved by films that are far, far better. So I stand corrected, aware that I was way too charitable to the first film in what is now being pretentiously labeled as “The Twilight Saga.”

I am not making the same mistake again.

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” is not a good film. An audience pleaser, sure, but only because the audience contains fans of the series of books and the actors who portray their characters.

In a screening where the ratio of female to male was about 10 to 1, and the majority of males consisted of either defeated boyfriends forced to tag along or writers for the press, you can expect squealing. Lots of squealing.

Whether you’re “Team Jacob” or “Team Edward,” “New Moon” merely sexually objectifies these two characters and the actors who play them through slow-motion entrances and inexplicable circumstances where shirts somehow aren’t necessary.

Let’s face it, sex still sells, and for every shriek of joy released, a Hollywood producer’s bank balance grows.

Stupidity apparently is a big seller these days, too. The ghastly

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” still is the highest grossing movie of the year. “New Moon” will come close, if not outdo, the former’s dim-witted dollar amount. This is truly a test of how dense the fans of these franchises can be.

The sequel to “Transformers” pulled in millions even as it was completely incomprehensible; “New Moon” will pull off an even more impressive feat. It will comfortably position itself at the top of the box office for weeks on end, despite the fact that it is the exact same movie as its predecessor.

After the setup, in which vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson, pale and predictable) leaves Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart, defeated and desperate), because he fears of hurting her, Bella is left to fend for herself in the harsh, harsh world of the recently dumped. That is, until she begins to get closer with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner, tan and tedious), a minor character in the first film brought to center stage in “New Moon.”

She grows close to him, but he remains distant due to a secret he isn’t able to share — as did Edward in “Twilight.” He is reclusive until a moment when Bella is in mortal peril, and he is forced to reveal his secret — as did Edward in “Twilight”

He reveals himself to be a werewolf, and yeah, OK, Edward revealed himself to be a vampire. But the only real difference here is teeth-and-claws versus fangs-and-sparkles.

Other stuff happens. More shirts are removed. Squeals from the back row make your ears bleed. It’s a repeat offense of cinematic criminality.

When Edward comes back into the picture, a physical showdown is set in a large arena of sorts, just like in “Twilight,” only this time with a religious-like authority named the Volturi. It ends with the discussion of Bella wanting to be turned into a vampire, just like in “Twilight.” Only “New Moon” concludes with two unbelievably predictable words meant to leave audiences in screech-filled suspense until the next cash cow is released.

I’ll be at once appalled and amazed watching the gross of “New Moon” blow far more original and inspired pictures out of the water, shaking my head at the crud people will buy into these days. It’s a marketing wonder how movies so unbelievably insipid turn into major blockbusters, with an upsettingly low number of exceptions in the mix (“The Dark Knight” and “Iron Man” among them).

The only enjoyment I got from “New Moon” was scrutinizing the pathetically hopeless look in the underrated actress Kristen Stewart’s eyes.
She stares at the camera, eyes exclaiming, “Why am I here?”

The camera firmly returns the gaze and whispers, “You signed a contract, honey.”

The Twilight Saga: New Moon
1 1/2 out of 4 Stars